I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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