My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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