Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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