we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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