OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
