the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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