I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my shit smells like andre
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
