I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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