Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I smell like Dick and happiness
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
