I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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