I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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