I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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