seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
