He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
