can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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