Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Two words: blizzard sex
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
