so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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