Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
