tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
