I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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