I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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