Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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