here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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