he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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