I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Randomize
