I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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