i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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