I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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