my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
