I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
