Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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