Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
