Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
