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Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
