I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
