I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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