I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
