So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think your dad took our porno
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
