I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
