Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
