3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
