Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
