everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize