Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
