i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
