Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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