After last night, I could never be a politician.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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