Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
