Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
