Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize