if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my shit smells like andre
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
