I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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