Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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