yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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