so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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