she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
