upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
