oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
