Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
