he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i dont even know how to be here
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
