one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
