They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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