Well apparently he's into motor boating.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
